


DIE DREAMING

by pluvieux



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-28 21:47:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15058487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pluvieux/pseuds/pluvieux
Summary: mais chu une lionne q supplie d'être adoréea silent ragecryptic love notesthe silence held its breath,release (a white fire on the darkening air)myriad and numbing to the mind.





	DIE DREAMING

the aware of the ninth hundreth circle on my spine, these discoloured marks on my pale skin to hold me as to ,

the aware of the chainlink fence, the aware of security cameras, the motion sensors, the open, blue sky 

aware of other states, united and emotionally,   
awake, burning, but smoke inhalation will be the leading cause of /

today is a good day and he doesn't take a bite out of me for impudence or for speaking out too much or not enough

;;;

how to hold onto life when life is a wisp of a thing  
i'm so "arrowed" by... it's been a new moon, and i am living in a love in new light. quand la bête à l'intérieur de moi s'éveillera t-elle ? chu dehors pour le sang, how to hide all of this manifesting hatred, 

this silent rage, hidden in between cryptic love notes and a reach with such a weak grasp, no humanity hidden behind the words, just me, just me. against all reason, il dit, he frightens you, and for, i want to, like the dark and heavy stars that show no colour to the far observer 

c toi, blazing with a terrifying inner light? 

scan the waters, i read.   
crustaceous horrors are cool, the eldritch, lich, um, _monster_ , of all things, would like to be unrightfully,   
_scan the waters,_ i read,   
sifting hawthorn and hazel in search of fate yet seeing nothing but the cloud that is before men's eyes, and the sun is descending, this forest is haunting, bare branches are icy threats, evil thoughts, 

scan the waters, i read, somewhere. staring into my own reflection, do i not recognise that there is something underneath the wa   
,

;;; wake. 

though alive yesterday with luck beaming through every bone, i arise today, to the dead. out of polite, out of gentle, understanding, angry, angry, angry 

a system of silencing me, they're silencing us, i whisper to my cat. he pays me no mind. 

punching bag, quiet, gentle surrender. "with you in my heart, i can bare anything." (f.k) i face everything entirely alone, however. no one can dare say otherwise. 

it's a new moon, and i am living in a new light, yet the fireflies still burn my skin. the hand that reaches from underneath my bed doesn't hold mine anymore, no more bridge of understanding with the myriad of ghosts in my chest, only anger, only this agony, this one -handed, doule fist anger, murderous, treacherous, let me sneak one act of treason into the night, if only to rid of this drowning feeling, if only to stop choking on every last spitting curse word, this acid, this fire that boils and licks at my internal organs and pushes me to the point of combustion, give me direction, here, your emotions go _here,_

i fight the urge to yank the wheel, to slam my fist on the horn just to silence everyone in the car, silence what's manifesting inside of me, force myself to tap on the brakes when i let myself sink into the gas pedal, focus my eyesights on the road, not the lampposts. _i will kill everyone in this fucking car,_ i think, i think, i think, i think, i think, i think, i think, 

quiet  
no lanterns,  
no guides,  
quiet. lost.

i cover myself in fear, go looking for myself. i walk into spiderwebs and cry out because why am i here, when i could go home? my shoes sink into the mud, i almost get stuck, and i see a dead fish. buzzing, stinking, (i do not venture back.) 

;;;

there is a murmur of poems inside me, constantly, immediately, letters that will forever remain silent, words that will eventually escape me, that will either bend to my will or dance out of reach, 

i am silent,   
not  
there,

he knows the words i have, the dictionaries, love and affection, available just for you in two languages, yet, "i don't know what to say..."

i am unequal to my longing. 

do i write about how he is the warmth of the sun on my face, how he is rainy, cold, dark days, how his love resonates within me, that i want to be the one to make his life so much clearer for him, find what you're looking for, i want to be what he's looking for, find me, find _me_

the rivers coursing through ( ) emptied themselves of bones as soon as you splashed your hand through the water. unapologetically loud, you are here, you have always been here, i forgive everyone who has ever left me just because they are not you, no one could ever even come close, your glory, everlasting, i love you, fuck, fuck, fuck, 

;;; you are what love meant when it said sorry for the last time. you are change, mouthful of bloom, progress, i want to trust you so please, promise me, ;;;

[my body does not have the capacity for the love for you that i hold, i bleed it out through the ink in my journals, hearts drawn onto random receipts, i pour it into everything, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love love love you, ]

when i will have nothing left to regret,

;;;

massacre of memory  
i want to look at myself in the rearview mirror, i don't want to see it anymore, any of it, any of it, distance myself from the now and then, forget it all, 

;;

the moon is always rising above our house, chasing our car,   
flip five pennies.  
what did the Duke say?

;;;;

what else was in the woods?  
listen. i hate this. this might be the one time i let these words out. they're for you, for buttons sewn, forgotten, the beatles haven't contributed nearly as much as hatsune miku, but even when i looked away, i was still looking. 

______

(…) Here is my hand, my heart, my throat, my wrist. Here are the illuminated cities at the center of me, and here is the center of me, which is a lake, which is a well that we can drink from, but I can’t go through with it. I just don’t want to die anymore.

i am my best self now, i owe a lot of it to you (h.) you are the most important being, thing overall, to me. forever will i adore you. i have never been so honest and ongoing with someone. you truly have my heart. my soul feels so beautiful having yours. 

i am going to write  
for myself  
to empty myself of this drowning,  
i said, but i'd guess you already knew i couldn't resist writing at least a little bit about you. my muse, my purpose, my air

your hand guides my wrist as i write, the thought of you goes uninvited, unbeckoned, "wait, but i'm just merely venting, rambling," and suddenly this is morphing into cryptic love poetry, because it always becomes as how i live, for you, for you, for you

i ache like you are dead,   
you give to me until you are empty, sometimes, and i feel so guilty. i must make up significantly for times i did not love you the right way.   
seas of fire, i dreamt we were holding hands, embracing, 

bioluminiscent. i have never not been thinking of you you you. my everything, dear, my love, my love love love

(i'm sorry. when i write from the heart, it always, always leads back to you somehow. i love you.) 

;;;;

"don't say 'til death do us part.' what a grossly christian thing to say. we have eternity together."

**Author's Note:**

> "I am always moving toward you. On my bad days, I say to myself: “then you.” Sure, this now. But then you."


End file.
